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Here I go a Bloggiling

July 27, 2007

July 27, 2007

Where Do I Fit In?

Being gay has its hardships.  I won’t lie.  One of the things I understand more being a gay man, however, is what it is like to be of a “minority” ethnic group.  Why you ask?  Being a white man, I figure there are advantages I have had my whole life, advantages that I take for granted, as that is my existence.  I have always been an equal minded person, but some of the horrible things white people say about other races now astound me.  Until I came out, I used to say some of those things.  The things that people say when they have no clue what it is like to walk in someone else’s shoes.  Things like “Why is there still a Miss Black America pageant now that African-American women win the Miss America pageant?” or other stupid single-minded comments.

The reason being gay allowed me to finally get out of that mindset was this.  I saw an intense if not drastic change in how I was treated from the time before I came out and the time after.  It is interesting how you are perceived by those around you and the role you are supposed to fill.  Nothing can compare to being in a position where people expect you to fill a certain role, and then you admit to who you really are, and then they put you in another role.  The things I would have expected from friends and family changed.  

You see, I came out a little bit after getting to college.  So the people who first knew I was gay were completely different from all the people I grew up with.  So the “change” I saw in how I was treated was very apparent.  It showed me how frustrating it can be for people of the “majority” to treat you a specific way ALL THE TIME because of something you cannot control.  That is why I feel being gay allowed this white male to see beyond what I considered “normal” life.  To be able to perceive through another’s eyes, or at the very least, empathize with what it must be like.

White people just don’t get it.  White women mostly do, as they fall into a minority.  But even some of them are clueless to what its truly like to be “treated” like a minority.  And again, I know as a white man, I still have advantages beyond those of ethnic minorities and even women to some extent, but I do know what its like to be viewed a “specific” way by someone who isn’t gay and doesn’t understand that they are being ignorant.

I have had people who “claim” to be my friend tell me, “I love you, but I don’t agree with your lifestyle”.  And once might be tolerable, but some of these people insist on saying it over and over again.  #1.  I don’t give a shit if you agree with my lifestyle.  I am fine with it, and I have made my peace with God over it and I feel God doesn’t give a shit either.  #2.  Why do you have to tell me all the time?  Are you trying to make sure that God understands you don’t approve so you can kiss God’s ass?  If you believe it, then God knows it.  There is no need to say it over and over and over again.

I have had friends tell me, “You know I love you, but I don’t believe in gay marriage”.  WHAT?  If you love me, then you would want me to be happy.  And being happy means equal rights.  To not have to worry if something happens to me, that my partner won’t be able to make the decisions as to what happens to me, or with my things.  If you love me, you would want my partner to be able to come see me in the hospital, and get the kids.  Apparently, you love your misguided faith more than me.  That person I no longer speak to.

I have friends who bought a book because they heard it was good, and then read it to find the main character is gay.  They then give me the book because they “can’t relate”.  So you cannot relate with another human because they are gay?  I guess that further supports the whole idea that people can’t view anything beyond their own personal experience.  I guess this person couldn’t read anything about a black person or an Asian person.  But somehow, I think they could and have.  But a gay person.  It just didn’t “relate”.

Before I came out, I was invited to people’s houses for dinner.  After I came out, that never happened once.  I won’t be a groomsman because most of my friends are female, yet I don’t expect to ever be their Bride’s Man, because that is not how its done.  My female friends will have “Girls Night Out” and then invite me at the last minute or sometimes, they truly want it to be girls only.  I don’t really have male friends, so I don’t get to have a “Guys Night Out”.  

I have had some strait male friends, but those relationships never last.  Either they are soaking up my constant flirting and telling them how hot they are, that when the flirting and such is over, there isn’t anything substantial for a friendship.  And most men anyways are into “stereotypical” male things like sports and crap, so there is nothing to talk about.  Nothing to relate to because for the most part (and not always.  I do have a couple of strait male friends who I stay in contact with), strait men view gay men almost as a let down.  Or less.  Gay men and strait women get along because they like to talk about the same things, but there is still a distance when it comes to certain things.

I was around some friends once, and this person who was a friend of a friend, we were sitting and talking politics.  I made the comment about gay marriage and blah blah blah.  She looked at me, as if it was the most logical idea ever, and informed me she just didn’t believe that was one of important issues to pick a candidate over.  I looked her strait in the eye and said, “If I were black, and just said I wanted the right to vote or marry, you would have never said that in public”.

And maybe it is my short-sidedness.  But I really do feel that any candidate I vote for must be for gay rights.  If you don’t stand for basic human dignity, then what do you stand for?  It’s an example of their morals and priorities.  They may say good things about not having wars or not raising taxes and blah blah blah, but if you don’t care for the equality of all the citizens of this country, then how can I believe you care for any of the stuff above.  And besides that, if you do stand for those things above, you won’t care if a Gay American gets them.

Once, at a job, I kinda queened out for a moment in a meeting (it was informal), and the guy who was sitting next to me scooted his chair away, and everyone laughed as if it was perfectly ok for him to react that way.  To be scared to be near me.

I have been around many women who like to “man bash” and I used to get in on it, but then it would get to a point where I realized that I am a man, and deep down, it would make me feel bad about myself.  I have actually heard it my whole life.  I wasn’t like the “strait white man” syndrome, yet I still had to deal with “girls mature faster than boys”.   Um….check out some of the girls I grew up around.  Or “girls are better at this and this and boys are better at this and this”.  Do people not realize by saying these things, you perpetuate stereotypes?  And you make people feel like they can’t accomplish anything unless it falls into that stereotype?

I guess it isn’t just being gay.  It’s everything.  As a society, we are always trying to find a way to put each other “in a box” so we have a pre-set of ideals about them.  So we don’t have to actually learn who someone is, and can protect ourselves from “bad apples” or ingratiate ourselves with the good ones.

Some people have said to me, “Being gay is easier, because you can hide it”.

Read Malcolm X.  His mother hid the fact she was black.  Because when her employers found out, they would fire her.  I assume that meant she was of a lighter complexion, but it just means that even within ethnic minorities, when they could hide it, they did.  And those people know better than most the following:

Do you really think it would be better to hide it?  To have such self hatred that it may drive you to suicide?  To live within yourself, not be able to tell anyone, to understand the things you are feeling when you are young.  I think I would have preferred to not be able to hide it.  I find that ethnic groups have a since of community because they cannot generally hide it.  I think it also gave them an amount of strength from having to deal with people’s reaction from an early age (not that I think anyone should have to learn that in that manner).  Being gay could mean you feel alone and isolated.  You hide it out of necessity, but it can detrimental to your mental and emotional maturity.

But lastly, I do believe that the gay minority if the final frontier, so to speak.  That gay is the minority that exists within all minorities (and I include the white minority in this group, as we are all minorities, and all minorities make up the majority).  We bridge the gap (hopefully).  Make whites understand what its like to be a minority.  Help all cultures understand through the love of their brothers and sisters and mothers and fathers and aunts and uncles that we all bleed the same blood.  It’s the one you cannot detect sometimes right off the bat, so you cannot hold them at arms length like you could someone of a race you may be a bit racist towards.  So you let them in, and you learn.  Maybe that is where I fit in.  Maybe as a sacrifice for all the things I grew up wanting out of life (since I was brought up strait, and have found out that what you want as a strait person is not what you are allowed as a gay one), that maybe the gays of the world can help bridge all the other groups that have been segregated for some reason due to some aspect of their physical being that they cannot control.  Maybe, but it will take us all to love and understand and join together.

If love comes from the soul

And the soul has no sex or color

Does it matter what soul

Another soul loves?

July 9, 2007

July 9, 2007

So I spent the morning looking for jobs.  Already got my “contacts” for the week, but not gonna stop.  Don’t want the minimum.  Want a job.  Unemployment is helpful, but not a way of life.  At least not for me.  Nothing seems to be out there.  It seems to be all empty.  My skills seem to not translate to any particular job.  Went to college to be an actor.  Taught me multi-tasking, memorization, responsibility, punctuality.  No one seems to understand.  Got a job in retail.  Rose pretty quickly.  Doesn’t matter.  Everyone starts in retail.  Got a job in facilities.  Was promoted to the legal department within a year.  I was never trained in legal prior.  But they took a chance.  I shined.  I learned quickly.  More quickly than any other person hired thereafter.  Doesn’t matter to new employers.  They are too scared to take a chance.  I learned to look at the big picture.  I took a broken process and fixed it.  I grew into an immense cornerstone within the company.  New employers don’t understand.

I can either get an entry level job or I can work retail again.  I don’t seem to fit.  A puzzle and I am an odd shaped piece.  Left to the side until the puzzler can figure out where I go.  Except, in this puzzle, the puzzler doesn’t think I fit anywhere.  It’s frustrating.  It’s annoying.  I have nothing else to do.  So what do I do?

I return to the website.  I update.  I add things.  A creative outlet.  I means so little to most others.  Kinda like my job search.  I am still a puzzle not fitting into the right place.  But at least with this I don’t care.  It is a true representation of me.  Of who I am.  You can take it or leave it. 

Watched a movie tonight.  “Almost Normal”.  What most would call a gay movie.  Not because it is odd (since I would never use the word in such a derogatory manner).  Its themes are gay.  Its main characters are gay.  This movie was really brilliant.  I can’t believe it didn’t get more attention (at least in my circles).  A man, in a car crash, goes back in time and lives a high school life where everyone is gay.  He is normal cuz he is gay as well.  Then he discovers, he is not gay in this reality.  He is strait, and still has to fight to be “himself” after falling in love with the woman who was his “hag” in the other reality.

A definition of “Be Who You Are” and not who others want you to be.  I figure if every strait person watches this, they might have a slight clue what its like to be gay.  To be able to hide who you are and loathe yourself because of it.  Blacks have an idea.  Women have an idea.  But both of those are not anything you can hide (well, unless you are Malcolm X’s mother, who did hide the fact she was black).  Its hard to be able to understand what its like to “HIDE” who you are.  To be someone you are not.  

I am updating the site.  I am adding some of my film work on here.  Its scary and exhilarating.  Everyone in my life seemed to not really care about it.  Even some who were involved.  I am so proud of it.  It might be crap, but it’s some of the first stuff I have done where I put together something I wrote, directed and sometimes starred in.  To build something from paper into a time line of life.  Ridiculous or not, it was a life in itself.  And I was proud to have given it breath.  

Maybe this was me reaching to be God-like.  Maybe this is my purpose.  To make cheesy film that may entertain someone, somewhere.  Maybe you?  I hope so. 

June 28, 2007

So its day two of my bloggy blog.  I think I might do a video blog as well.  What fun we can have.  Me and well. . . me, since I doubt many others are reading any of this (except for the poor unfortunate souls I am forcing to look at it).

It won’t stop raining.  Which is good cuz we are trying to grow grass in our backyard.  Yes, you know you have gotten to that place when you are old enuff to appreciate watching grass grow.  LOL.

A friend of mine’s pet died, I had a relative die.  We all know death is a normal part of life, but its still hard to experience it.  So anyone reading this, send a happy thought into the universe.

To me, our energies we send out are as important as anything else we do.  Take Karma for instance.  To me, its quite real, and I explain it like this.

You are driving home from work.  You had a ruff day, you are not happy.  Someone cuts you off.  You don’t know their reasoning, but we usually go right for the worst.  They person is selfish or didn’t pay attention or just didn’t care.  Then we take on that negative energy (or we can create it ourselves.  What if that person was rushing to the bedside of a sick loved one?).  So once we have it in us, we then are more likely to use it.  We see someone else on our drive and cut them off.  It makes us feel better.  That’s cuz you sent that negativity to someone else.  And then they pass it on and on and on.  I try (and don’t always accomplish) to take the negativity thrown at me and then turn it into positive energy.

I sometimes wonder if all the negativity in the world (which would be increasing exponentially with people living longer and having more kids and overpopulation and such) is the reason so many horrific things are occurring like shootings in schools or the war or whatever.  I mean, what if the scenario I state above gets focused on specific individuals over and over again, so they are so filled with that negative energy that it comes out in explosive ways?  That isn’t to say it isn’t directly the fault of the person who did the shooting or caused the war (um dubbya), but you can either be the recepient of negative energy, or you can be the cause of it.  Either way, it never turns out well.

I’m not a big quoter of the Bible and the word of God, not because I don’t believe, but because I think its been high jacked by a bunch of people claiming to worship God but really don’t.  But in the end, we have all lost the whole concept of loving one another, neighbor or stranger.  Offering help and reaching out to each other.  We are so disconnected with our black berry’s and computers and emails.  

Maybe tonight I will write a letter to someone.  With pen and paper and an envelope and a stamp.  Maybe if we did that more, stamps wouldn’t constantly go up in price.    And maybe we would all be just a little more connected.                      ////

June 27, 2007

Ok, so I'm gonna blog here too.  My main man got some new webpage software and its purty easy to play around with.  It is limited on actual options of things.  The design of each page is a preset design, but there are options here and there.  So for now, I shall play with it and hope you enjoy.  Welcome to the world of the Gay Jedi.

My stuff, my copyright (well, the writing and pics of me anyways).  Respect.  Comments and Questions?